Complete 180

It’s insane how an entire mindset you’ve been experiencing can be (practically) shattered in less than 24 hours. This day I must have just woken up on the wrong side of the bed. It began when I was woken up at the time I needed to leave for church worship practice this morning, so I completely missed that.

The day’s continued pretty slowly. Mostly I just find that I’m pretty anxious for the summer to be over. Some good stuff has happened that I’m pretty excited to begin. I’ll be taking on a new form of leadership in school and that’s something that I’m thrilled to have been chosen for. However, a relationship I’ve been in will be taking a break.

I’m anxious because we both know it’s coming, but we’re not calling it off until we’re both face-to-face. I thought I’d made peace with it. It’s not the end. There’s just more growth that I need before we could possibly continue, plus there’s the (not so) small matter of gaining back some trust. I know that this means that being single will be the best for me in the long run. The waiting is just killing me.

This new form of leadership at school will also mean that she and I will be working closely together. We both feel we can handle this, we’re mature adults. I can be friendly, positive, and work hard to improve myself to where God has destined me to be. What I can’t handle is not knowing what’s going on in her head. Not knowing if maybe there will be some other guy she decides to see instead. Someone who cares about God, himself, and her (Not that I don’t, but those are expectations she has in a man, and if he fits all those three categories, what’s stopping her?). She’s not shallow, but she appreciates a good-looking man. I have no claim on her, she has free will, but she’d take my heart with her.

I expect a break. Just not big enough for someone else to find their way in between. Any man would be a fool not to try. But that’s all I’ll say about that, back to me.

I feel like I’m ready for it, but at the same time, I’ve been struck with doubts and fears that have unhinged me. Like when a fly continually follows you, I’ll be busy and moving and active, but once I stop, I feel the nastiness of that insects body touching down on mine. In other words, when I stop being preoccupied, the thoughts of how this entire relationship can go wrong touch down and rock my world.

Also, I have no one to talk to about this job I accepted at school. I don’t want to just blurt it out, it must be done with tact. However, I don’t think there’s anyone that I can tell that would care. No one has bothered to text me first or check in on me. I have to initiate with everything. I just feel so small, so insignificant… Finite really. I feel like I mean nothing to nobody.

I know it’s not the truth. Nowhere near it in fact, but now is just not really the time to feel joy I guess. It might be this dang heat.

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